Child Support Scheme Reforms

For a while now the Australian government has been talking of reforms to the Child Support Scheme claiming the reforms will: 

• better reflect community values around shared parenting
• better balance the interests of parents and children
• treats both parents’ incomes and living costs more equally
• treats children from first and second families more equally, and
• helps separated parents to maintain contact with their children.

This is great news in theory but in reality what do people think of the reforms?  Have the changes implemented so far made life easier for separated or divorced mums and dads?  More importantly has this been positive for the children effected ?

Great sites for Separated Dads

There’s been a lot in the media lately about Dad’s doing it tough and the suposedly reformed family law and child support changes.

Here’s some handy sites for the recently separated and divorsed Dads.  If you know of others please leave a comment.

DADS ‘N’ KIDS – information and support for divorced and separated dads : http://www.nor.com.au/community/dids/information.html

Lone Fathers Association of Australia : http://www.lonefathers.com.au

Relationships Australia : http://www.relationships.com.au/

Dads in Distress : http://www.dadsindistress.asn.au

Dads In Distress

If you’ve not had a read over http://www.dadsindistress.asn.au yet then I highly recommend you click over there for a good read.

The site is endorsed by many Australian Government websites and offers objective information and support for all members of the community effected by separation and divorse.  If you’re a Dad going through separation or divorse then I’m sure you’ll find the site well worth a read.

The stats below taken from the Dads In Distress home page really sum up the predicament of so many fathers.

An estimated 1.3 million children live apart from their natural parents.

These children are statistically ten times more likely to be abused or neglected and twice as likely to have a mental health problem.

200 children go through the family law system every day.
Up to 200 children will have their fathers removed from their day to day lives.

There is a divorce every 10 minutes in this country.

Young separated men are 10 times more likely to die by suicide than through road accident…..

The suicide rate among separated men is more than double the rate of contracting aids.

Sex after Separation

Had an interesting conversation over the weekend which a bunch of single (recently separated and a few recently divorced) friends.  The conversation brought to my attention the issue, difficulties and excitement of that first sexual encounter with someone else after 10 year (or so) years of marriage.

Realised from that conversation that we all approached that one differently.  One mate of mine jumped in head first (so to speak) within the first week of him and and his ex deciding to go different ways.  Well others waited up to two years for various reasons.   

Guess the general gist is – wait until you’re comfortable.  But ummm please don’t wait two years – ahhhh.  Apologies to Lynne but must say you’ve got will power girl.

But in seriousness once the pain and shock wears off, it’s a thought that does creep up on you.  If you’ve been married for quite a while then chances are you might be a little nervous about it.  And of course that’s totally ok.  Just wait till you feel ready or if you find yourself tearing your hair out.

From the conversation on the weekend seems like most of us followed the same pattern.  Waited a certain amount of time till we were ready and comfortable – then went crazy.   At that point it’s good to build up your network of single friends so that when you are out on the prowl you’ve got support.  Remember there’s safety in numbers.

“Moving On” and other annoying comments

One term that I heard way too much early on after the separation was “moving on”.

“you just need to move on”

“you’ll move on when you’re ready”

“you need to choose to move on with your life”

Now I’m sure these well meaning people meant to help but at the early stages of becoming separated I wasn’t ready to move on and really wanted to hold on.  But as annoying as I found that term, much further down the track I must admit it a very apt term.

Because that’s simply what it is – when you are ready to let go off what was once your marriage, you’ll then hopefully move on to that next step which is identifying the positives of your life and moving your self into that mode of starting a new fantastic life.

 Now when you do that is totally up to you.  Some do it after 1 month, some 6 months, some 6 years, some well perhaps never.  Becoming suddenly (perhaps unexpectedly) recently separated may to some, be on par with the death of a loved one – the death of what they perceived to be their marriage.

Depending how you feel about the separation will greatly effect how long it will take till you’re ready to move on.

Be sure to take your time – allow your self to grieve the loss of your marriage as you need to.  But at the same time, try to take the steps to identify the positives as your new life develops.

A very wise man once advised me “that it’s a very ill wind that doesn’t blow some good”

Keep you’re eye’s open for some positive signs – they’ll lead you to a quick road to getting past the pain.

The Leaver and the Left Behind

I guess in the ideal separation, both parties would want the separation – and both would be happy to say good bye and start a new life.  But unfortunately in the vast majority of separations, usually one wants to leave and the other is trying to hold on.

We had one “exit session” with a councilor from Relationships Australia who was there to assist the Recently Separated.  He made it quite clear then that in most separations, there is the leaver who generally speaking has wanted to end the relationship for a while and is generally already well on the way to dealing with the emotions of the separation.  Then there is the partner who is “left behind”.  For them the emotional journey of being suddenly separated is only just beginning.

For the one who has chosen to end the relationship, they’ve already thought out the issues, ran through to conclusions and are mostly sure that they have (at last) made the right the decision.  They usually more prepared both emotionally and functionally.

For the left behind, there’s a lot to catch up on.  Firstly there is the shell shock, then the why has this happened, then who to blame – them self, their partner or perhaps that 3rd person who became involved with their partner?   There is a huge journey ahead for that person – but believe me, as painful as it may appear – it will be a journey of growth and you will come out the other end a stronger person.

In my separation I was the one trying to hold on.  Over the past 2.5 years I’ve endeavoured to try to see her reasons and emphasize with how she got to that point.  I think it was perhaps 6 months after our split that I could truly see some of my faults and some of the down sides of our relationship which may have been factors in helping her reach her decision.

I think for anyone in that situation of being the one left behind, once you get to the point where you can see her or his point of view (even partially), then you know that you are well on the way to getting past the pain and ready to focus on your new life.

With most of the “left behinds” with whom I’ve spoken, the majority have said at some point down the road they’ve agreed that the separation was a blessing – they just didn’t know it at the time.

Welcome..

Welcome.  Having been separated now for just on 3 years, thought it time I finally give back by sharing my story of being suddenly single.

My goal here is to offer help, comfort and perhaps some learning from my own experiences.

Every separation is different.  Some seem to run moderately smoothly – others can be darn right dreadful.

I’m hoping by sharing my story, that this may be of help to anyone who stumbles across this blog and is recently separated.

Now I’m guy – and I guess I’m writing this with the view of helping other recently separated men who may be searching the web for advice.  Let’s face, those first few months can be darn scary and often us men are not well skilled out to reaching out to our mates and families for support.

 “often the greatest test of courage is the courage to reach out to a friend”

Although this blog may be predominantly focused on helping men, it is by no means an exclusion of women.  I’d love over time to build up a community of men and women who are all here to share their stories and views on separation.  I think this will be healing for both the writers and the readers.

So please join me here and let’s see if we can all make a difference and help our fellow recently separated men and women as they come to grips with a new and possibly unexpected life change.